My other ride is your mom

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 18:18:10 GMT

All I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

*Disclaimer: You came here of your own free will. I never implied that I would have something to say.

I'm stuck at this lull that I constantly try to pick apart and can't find anything noteworthy. I'm in this stupid indifferent state, I can't be depressed, I can't be optimistic. I can only sum it up with this one word:

Eh.

I feel like some exfoliated fragment of something living with a purpose. Something with a meaningful life, a passionate drive, extreme highs and lows as a side effect of hypersensitivity. This fragment can't seem to grasp the concept of detachment, thus, dead skin, and is constantly trying to fill some void. I keep reaching out for things in a strive for fulfillment, anything within reach, and it doesn't seem to be working. I find something I think works, I scratch the surface, then I lose interest or it bites me and I back off. All I can do is keep thinking. The more I think, the less I feel. I only bother myself with something if it's thought-provoking, but the more I turn towards my own mind and keep my back to everything else, the more reclusive I become.

I am my only existing absolute.

Living in my own mind and not the world itself can only go for so long before it becomes unhealthy I'm sure.

When I stare at something long enough I see its components separate themselves and leave it's intended state. I wish I could be that way. I wish I could leave myself, hear things a little different, taste things a little different.

I figured out over the weekend how so underestimated I am by the people around me, by no fault of anybody but myself.

I need to get away from concrete.

My only consistent distraction is my bad eyesight, fragments of bad dreams, and the ease at which I can verbally tear myself down and laugh at my inner crumpled heap.

I guess the situation is this - I am feeling bad. So I'm digging myself this metaphorical hole to bury myself in to be safe from the things that hurt me. Who needs to breathe right??

*editors note: when in all actuality while this might seem like an effective idea but the fact is kids that, I, Erica Marie Cecelia, am part of what's hurting me, and I can't get away from myself. I'm a little locked in here. The worst commitment is the one you have to yourself.*

So la la la I'm on the endless meaningless digging your own hole page in this choose your own adventure version of a speck of a life in the grand scheme of things, but someone or something will come along, like a brilliant person or a shiny object, or a brilliant person holding a shiny object! That which causes me to stop and re-evaluate what I'm doing for awhile. Which stops the digging and I get to go out and play for a little while but I come running back like a little bitch with a skinned knee (as I so often do) and continue to play in the dirt ALL BY MYSELF! HMPH!!

Maybe I'm just fucking crazy.

At any rate. Enjoy the Show.

Freeze without an answer

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 05:51:11 GMT

Just stop looking at me.

Stop making me exist for this.

Thank you,
-e

Barnacles

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 22:36:40 GMT

Nevermind all that, because dreams don't make sense. They're not supposed to. Often enough, nothing makes sense, or at least, I can't make sense of it, maybe someone else can. Maybe I just shouldn't interact with people. Maybe I'm not as good at dealing with people or understanding them as well as I thought. I like to think when I do though, it matters, and that it stays with them. Because when they do me, it stays with me forever, because you can't fix anything for anybody, you can't make them better, you can't make it all go away. You can comfort, but thats temporary. The best thing you can give to someone else when all is said and done is understanding.

eh

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 03:45:22 GMT

This space intentionally left blank.

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 10:02:41 GMT

Do you ever get those people in your life that you love in the worst ways and hate in the most beautiful ways at the same time? It's kinda reversed, as if the hatred is what it would normally feel like to love someone, and the love is what it would normally feel like to despise someone. Like you look at them and want to break their perfect little nose and tear the beautiful thick locks of hair from their gorgeous bastard heads just to make them ugly so you can hate them more.

Leave her to heaven and to those thorns that in her bosom lodge, to prick and sting her.

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 21:18:19 GMT

Theres a point in pain, some kind of deprivation, or other methods (ie: drugs, alcohol, or painfully good sex wrought with sordid emotions that leaves you walking funny for a week) where the subconscious stops flowing under the waking threshold and floods the conscious mind. I'm addicted to that. It's where I find my control and my answers. It's where I escape to when I just can't manage anymore.

In this flood, mad angry at everything warrior Erica meets scared lost little hopeful Erica and they fight. One says "You don't have to keep fighting, look at what it's doing to you and the people you love" and the other says "My constant fighting is what carried YOUR fatass this far so butt the fuck out!" and the first one says "But this part of your life isn't about survival anymore" and the other one says "It's ALWAYS about survival" and one hits the other and they're locked in a useless fight.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Meanwhile. I'm not very good to myself. I punish myself. I deprive myself of things I know I need as punishment, and I do other things that I wont mention here. In foresight and hindsight I know it's ridiculous. But right then it's all that makes sense. Unfortunately, "right then" can last for months at a time. The thing about inner pain is, when people feel it they never have a concept of what life will be like after it's over because they have no concept of it ever ending. People on the outside just can't help this person because they're not feeling it. You can never feel someone elses pain and really, it's not your responsibility to do so.

"Right then", this period that could last from a few days to a few years, is all that their life is. Telling someone that time heals all wounds just makes it worse because in reality, they don't have time, they're hanging on by a tattered rope as it is and one of the only thing that can strengthen that rope right away is anger. You carry that pain and anger with you like a backpack of rotting heads. Each head you picked up from each painfully trying experience in your life. A head for every time somebody attempts suicide or cuts themselves or takes too many drugs or drinks too much or hurts someone they love because of their own pain and the rest of the countless things people do as a result of their own torment. Some bags are heavier than others. It stinks and it's heavy, but people put up with the sour air because they love you. Eventually though, they will start gagging, and you have to pack your heads somewhere else. I know everything leading up to this point. What I don't know is, where do I put my severed heads? Do I get rid of them completely? Do I lock them up safe somewhere until the smell gets stronger and cross that bridge when it comes? Eventually it seems the best plan is to get rid of them. But seriously, how do you get rid of a bunch of severed heads? It's not as if you can toss it out in the garbage without catching any flack from some asshole who thinks they know what they're talking about.

How do you get rid of a life of pain and anger without obliterating said life completely?

It doesn't just go away. You can't just go to someone and talk about it or take a drug. When you go to someone and talk about it, you're just laying your heads out on the table and saying "see lookie at my pretty severed heads oh boy" BUT YOU PICK THEM BACK UP AND PUT THEM IN YOUR BAG AND GO ON YOUR MISERABLE WAY!! Nobody will take these heads from you. If you take a drug, or are just in a good mood for once or in a good situation, you're just setting the bag down for awhile, but you pick it back up when it's all said and done. This bag is yours, for as long as you are a living breathing tortured soul. How emo.

So what? What now? This is where I run out of answers.

Last night my bag o heads was particularly heavy. I tried to go out because that's the cliche that makes everyone feel better but when I'm in this mode I hate people. I tend to dislike people as a general rule anyway, but when I'm lugging my heads around I just want them to go away from me. I saw someone there that I kinda know and we hugged and in that moment I knew that this was someone who knows what it's like to carry a bag like this around. That didn't help my feelings any, nor am I sure my similar knowledge helped theirs, but it was a little refreshing to know that I'm not the only one dragging this with me.

Is there something wrong with me because most of this entry is about severed heads?

and when you're not around I dream of you

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 07:17:05 GMT

I was on a swing set in a park at night with Shane. He said he needed to talk to me and not to worry. He got behind me and started pushing me, and he didn't say anything. I said "so...what's up?" and instead of feeling him push me, I felt something sharp go into my lower back. I felt something detach in my back and I fell forward onto the gravel and I couldn't move. He didn't say anything and I felt myself being dragged. For a second I thought someone had hurt him and was now hurting me, but I was picked up and thrown into the back of his truck. I didn't see anybody but Beck was playing from inside the truck and I knew it was him. He drove for awhile and finally stopped and dragged me out and dumped me on a cold floor with ice in spots here and there. I still couldn't move anything and I felt so cold. he pushed me in to a corner and left me there. My eyeballs froze and I couldn't close my eyes. I was looking out through a layer of ice. He would come to me every once in awhile with a dirty rusty knife and cut off a piece of me and chew on it and spit it out onto me. It looked like if you bite into an orange and little stringy fruit hung out of your lips. Only it was blood and skin and other fragments. He'd do that a couple times then go away. I heard loud music and a lot of people laughing. He was having a party. He brought everyone to the room I was in to poke and prod and point and laugh at me. They left and he came back and cut another piece off of me, and chewed it up, and spit it back onto me. That happened several more times. Tears were building up behind the layers of ice I was looking out of and it made the ice break so I was crying, and tears and ice chunks were streaming down my face. I could finally see clearly and I looked down my body and saw that all that was left of me was bone and skin just hanging here and there on my rib cage, and the parts that he spit back onto me were laying about. It looked like the carcass of a turkey after Thanksgiving. He came back down with his dirty rusty knife and was moving towards my eyes, then something collapsed underneath me and I was in a black room and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't move or see a thing. I fought to move my arms and legs and couldn't even get a twitch. I heard the train bells (a recurring theme in some of my nightmares) and they got louder and closer, and I knew that if I couldn't move and fight I would die. I jolted my foot and woke up to my whole leg jumping. Along with my heart.

12 pack of PBR and a bucket of KFC

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 18:38:36 GMT

Yesterday was the hand fasting (read as: wedding for you ignorant swine) of Merrie and James. I was lucky and honored to be asked to be part of the ceremony. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever been a part of. I'm proud of them..

I cried on the way to the wedding because this is one more step in Merrie and James going far away from me.

During all the father/daughter wedding stuff I couldn't quite keep my bearings either. First I was angry with my father, then I was sad that he's gone and about being mad, then I was angry again at WHY he was gone, then I had to disappear for a bit to tearfully curse at him and myself and eventually re-ground myself. Shane kept asking me if I was ok, if something was wrong, and I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I did later though, which is why I'm posting about it here because at least this way more of my friends will know about it than his.

I hate the early 20's range because people have such a skewed since of what feeling "grown up" is. "Growing up" is the beginning of a new start with a partner-for-life. It's being on your own with no sense of parental aid. It's surviving on what fits in your backpack and hoping for the best. There's an emotional part of growing up as well, but those don't just happen on their own.

It's not living in fairy tale land. It's not seeing OTHER people having problems and telling them what you think they should do having no real life or "grown up" experience, or even knowledge of the situation. How preposterous must you be, to imagine that you could even be in the same library, let alone on the same page.

I might not be ok in the common mental sense, but I know how to survive. Alone. Should I choose to. Which is more than what I can say for the people who think they're functioning better than I am.

I mean, if somebody asked me something I couldn't fathom, I would simply say "I'm sorry for your plight but I have no experience in that, and no idea, nor am I qualified to pass judgment, and rather than feed you my illogical nonsense, the best thing I can do for you is to let you vent, and support your decisions." This way I'm not giving shitty advice and looking like a retard.

I don't know. Maybe that's just me. I realized a long time ago that people don't help people because they care. They do it because of a need to feel a certain way, and often simply because they just can't butt the fuck out. That's right. I said fuck.

I've been trying to teach Shane about the selfish manipulations of people and how they often don't realize they're doing it. He sent a heavy email to a friend, and I told him how someone like her would respond, and lo and behold, she proved me right. Technique by technique, practically word for word, and even in the same order. He believed me but sometimes he needs to see proof. He says that every time I've pointed something like that out about someone, or even gone so far as calling someone out, I've been right. I don't know if I should be impressed with that, or depressed that people suck that much.

Let her hang for seven days

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 10:42:27 GMT

First of all, I owe a big fat juicy thank you to the deities that listened to me everynight when I said "Please, somebody, anybody, I need a concievable way to go see Nine Inch Nails at the Savvis Center in October"..within a couple days of that business, I get a message from Carl, bless his little rapturous heart, saying "I'm coming to the area for the NIN concert are you going? Are you wanting to go? I'll just get your ticket when I get mine" OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS GUY. That's excellent stuff.

I got these passes from work the other day that got me and Shane into Six Flags with the expenses being a ridiculously small amount. We went Thursday during the day and waited in NO LINES whatsoever. It was fantastic. It was hot as hell, but thats what water rides are for, and when you start to dry off and get ballsweaty hot again, you just wait in the NO LINE and ride it again. One thing that actually irritates the bloody hell out of me, is people getting on a water ride and complaining about getting wet....

....

Yes that does happen, and did happen, while we were there. Not us though. I only complained when I didn't get wet enough. There was much wetness. It was good. Shane hasn't been to many amusement parks before, and has only ever ridden one rollercoaster. So the whole time I was like "Holy shit we have to do this, Oh my god we have to do that, MOTHERFUCKER we have to do this again" he is as much a fan of the Batman rollercoaster as I am now. Damn right. Only 2 things really messed my day up. Number one, the Highland Fling was not in service, and number 2 was this thing called Xcalibur which looked great and I was all excited about. We waited in line and Shane was really unsure about it and I was persistent about getting on it. Then we're halfway through it and he said "ok this isn't so bad" and I said "I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OFF". Gravity always wins, and it wears me out.

So..I think I pinched a nerve in my leg or something, because it's in debillitating pain, and is all bruised and nasty. In fact. My right leg just looks like it needs to be amputated.

I feel so incredibly loved, but so incredibly crappy at the same time. That scares me. It scares me that my inner bad can consume the outer good. How can he ever forgive me.

Canned or dry we never die

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 01:26:05 GMT

This post is NOT filled with sarcasm. That wasn't sarcasm. Neither was that.

As I type, Shane is on his way here for a few days.

As of 5ish this evening, I am a registered full time student for 13 credit hours.

According to the financial aid calculator, I qualify for a full pell grant. This is BEFORE pleading my case that I was living in a long term homeless shelter for "young adults" right out of high school. Which, if I do that, I may get even MORE aid.

Fazoli's is good.

Your mom is good.

Yay.

Sleepytime anyone?

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 00:35:08 GMT

For the love of whatever I'm fucking tired! I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just plain exhausted. I had to fight to stay awake at work today, I may take a nap for a bit. I think Shane is coming this week (and if he comes he will definitly be coming this week) and I hope he does because there is some intense intertwining to be done.

Screaming fits

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 22:51:44 GMT

No money in the mail yet. I just want to fix my car and be done with it. By the looks of it, I have another week before I can. Unless someone pops up who wants to go to a junk yard (call me crazy but I love trips to the junkyard) and then take the part I need off and put it on my car. Or someone who can put the part I need when I can afford to buy it from an auto parts place. If I get a good junkyard part that works, I'm totally willing to pay whoever helps. If I have to buy a new part, I'm still all kinds of willing to pay, just it would be another week before I could.

Oh well. I think that's fruitless anyway as if I knew somebody who could do it I would have asked already.

I need my car to work. I feel like a crab without a shell. It was my home. My release. When I was in a bad mood or couldn't think, that's what I headed to. 20 minutes of mindless driving goes a long way. I do my best thinking there. Walking has a wonderfully similar effect but so far both of the times I've tried walking from the vicinity of my apartment complex here I've been approached by unspeakably creepy people. I'd rather be at home and miserable, then 'erica'napped and miserable. Next step, cleaning I guess. But that turns me into a neurotic anal freak.

I've been terribly bitter and unhappy lately, and I wonder if that's not part of why. Seeing as I don't have my release anymore. At least one that isn't self destructive. The self destructive side stay secretive. One thing I can't understand, is all of the "resources" that pop up in your face without even looking for them..people writing books about it, and making movies about it, and starting LJ communities on it, and making websites on it and people are so open about showing it off to other people, but never attempting to feel better. I bet NONE of these things say "this is not ok". How can it be so easy for someone to show it off and discuss it with other people? I'm wholeheartedly ashamed of it. I've only spoken of it twice and regret it. The words will probably never leave my mouth again. In foresight and hindsight I know it's a bad idea. But right then it's my only sense of control and focus. I hate my mind sometimes

Speaking of my mind, I scheduled, cancelled, and rescheduled an appointment for placement tests at Lewis and Clark Community College on Tuesday. I probably have to cancel again because I have no way to get there. Should I find one though, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared out of my fucking mind. I have severe test anxiety. I took one of Shane's biopsych tests on his school's web servic for him once, and you could take it 3 times before submitting it, and I took it the first time and failed it miserably. I took it the second time (they changed the questions up a bit) and did much better, but it would have only been a B and that wasn't good enough for me. So then I had a Newcastle and took it the third time with the changed up questions again, this time with my mind not freaking out and working a bit slower, and got a hundred percent on it.

Shane's been worried about me because he knows the effects of not being able to leave when I want to. Or go anywhere period. So I told him I'd try to find a way out tonite. I can't though because I simply can't ask someone to do something, and then ask them to come pick me up. It doesn't feel right.

Other than that, I've been playing alot of Civilization 3 lately.

Turn my brown eye blue

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 17:55:01 GMT

I woke up godawful early (or at least godawful early for a Saturday) to check the mail to see if the post office has tried to deliver my blood money yet but it wasn't. Apparently some new people are moving in a couple of apartments down and the first thing I heard when I opened my door this morning was "so you like it in your brown eye huh?"

Righto. Hope you enjoy your stay.

That was a delightfully funny thing to wake up to. The first words I heard spoken today. Glorious.

Yesterday Patrick was telling me that there was some Goth rollerskating night somewhere. I'm sorry, but I think it's safe to say that a good percentage of the "goth" population is uh..a little..top heavy..at the very least. You do not put those people on wheels.

Though I have a great image of the wheelers from Return to Oz. Not because I think the 2 are related, just because I like Return to Oz. Which reminds me how skeptical I am of the willy wonka movie now.

I'm tired.

3 cheers for irony

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 18:41:04 GMT

so much for that delusion.

Please enjoy

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 07:36:05 GMT

I was very sick and uncomfortable the other day. Not like I got a cold sick, but it was borderline scary. I owe a big thanks to Patrick (hypriest) and his mom, Merrie (witchgrrl) and a big fat juicy thank you to Robin (Merrie's mom but I don't know her LJ) for telling me what I should do, and getting me to a hospital, and not being squeamish. I love you all so incredibly much I can't even joke about it.

Then the next day, Shane shows up at my door with flowers and my new favorite cd. How great is that?? I mean, it's cute enough when you're sick and your significant other shows up to make you feel better. But how about when they live 3 to 4 hours away? (should you read this, I love you dammit)

I have the greatest friends you could ask for, the greatest boyfriend you could ask for, and I've never felt more loved or wanted in my whole life.

I love my roomates. I get a full time fat paycheck only working 3 days a week at 8 hours a day. Pedro is going to come fix my car for not nearly as much as I thought it would cost (we're hoping so, lets all manifest that for me) and I have absolutely no complaints right now.

I'm thinking about saving up to take Shane to this Voodoo music festival thing in New Orleans since we couldn't go to Bonnaroo and I know he's disappointed about that. It's not the same thing, but I think he mostly misses the festival feel so hopefully I can work something out.

Aside from all that, happy posts are really strange.

If looks could kill I'd watch you die

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 07:53:24 GMT

It seems I can't win for losing with the Illinois water. I tried to express some sincere sentiments and whatnot to someone I kinda know, who's suffering the Illinois water as well. I think I was bad at it though. I don't know at all how to do that sort of thing. I really want to try to express that I care for the people around me that are actually worth a damn because my standards must be high as it seems there aren't that many. Sometimes I feel so socially inept. I should just keep my mouth shut. Eh. I'll get over it and with any luck the person in question wont even see me verbally stumble all over myself.

Otherwise, theres bigger things on my mind, one of them being....

What kind of woman tries to "booty call" another ones boyfriend. Seriously. Have some respect for others. Your friend at least. Fuck, have some respect for YOURSELF. I don't know what goes on at band camp but that shits not gonna work out. Nobody wants a pass to the public pool.

I can't deny that it happened once. I wont pretend. But Shane and I werent together so in all actuality it's not my problem. It did bother me, but I despise the girl in question so much and I was mostly insulted for the guy as he could do way better. From what I hear, it was awful, he hated it, and still shudders at the thought. I dunno about anybody else but I'm gonna go ahead and assume that after that there wont be a second time around. Not to be the catty jealous girlfriend, but it doesn't help that I HATE said girl so much, because of stupid shit I've had to put up with from her. I have a linkspy in my AIM profile, which goes to my livejournal, but if I click on it it takes me to my own special little page that logs everybody who looks at my LJ. Quite a few months back, when Shane and I weren't together just....doin stuff....she seriously checked my LJ multiple times a day to see if I wrote about him. Upon discovery of this, I made it a point to log each and every time we had sex. Which, for the record, was alot. So I'm a bastard. It drove her crazy. It was funny, but there was seriously a time where she checked my LJ SEVENTEEN TIMES IN TWO DAYS!!! Hello crazy. No thanks. Shane saw how many times she checked me out and confronted her about it...and the idiot denies it. No fucking joke. So then she makes another screen name, but it consisted of her hobby and her age I think, plus Shane new it, and still continued to "LJ stalk" me, as the dramatic folk like to put it, so on top of being a no self respect havin gutterslut, she's not very bright either.

What she doesn't realise, is the one time he did drunkenly give in to her, was when I had been out of the country and he was lonely. Is that really a consolation? Being sloppy seconds? Does that really make someone feel good about themselves? Granted, Shane and I were having just a sexual relationship at the time, but it was a mutual thing and I didn't have to get him drunk and talk him into it ever...

On the one hand I feel sorry for her. She needs to get some self esteem or whatever it takes to not make herself available to just any guy, and demand to be treated with respect and even loved (if thats what she seeks).

On the other hand I still don't like her and think it's funny.

Maybe it's only amusing because I've been feeling crappy for the past week or so. I was feeling the same today, and the above matter didn't help much, and now I feel bad because I was frustrated and mad and venting at Shane and I think he was under the impression that I was angry with him. I feel guilty because I've been so cranky lately, what with being a little sick and my car actin a fool and starting a new job. I like this new job alot but it's alot to take on at once, and the nature of the work is something I have trouble with (I'm slightly embarassed to admit I'm dyslexic and the bulk of my trouble is with numbers, and I work in an accounting department) I'm doing great, it's helping the issue alot, but by the end of the day I have a terrible headache. Plus it's craptastically hot and I tend to not eat when it's hot so my blood sugar drops and makes my crankiness worse. I know none of that is an excuse for my bad behavior, and I'm sorry. Though, at his suggestion, I ate something, but the things that were bothering before I ate were still bothering me after.

So we cant attribute ALL of it to hypoglycemia.

I'm gonna go dig on some Divine Comedy til I can at least close my eyes.

Sweetest dreams fuckers.

Oh and do you know how hard it is to cash a check in this town?? Fucking hell! Why do people insist on fucking with the poor girl trying to cash a check thats FIVE YEARS LATE!

FIVE FUCKING YEARS!!!!.

Give me my money bitches!

More human contact will just make you ill

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 05:25:31 GMT

This temporary icon is for Merrie's viewing pleasure.

I went and bought a gallon of water at Walmart just now and the guy ringing me up asked me why I was out buying water at midnite. I calmly explained that I don't drink Wood River water. He made a joke about the water having wood in it, or something as equally stupid and not funny and seemed very impressed with himself for having been so clever.

Right.

HAFUCKINGHA!!! HAHAHAHA!!! OHMYGODSTOP!!! HAHA!! ITHURTSTOLAUGH!!! OHMYGODOWWW!!! HAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!

Asshole.

I feel distorted because I haven't been sleeping enough. I napped for about an hour or so tonite and I was having the usual graphic vicious nightmares. One of them jolted me awake as usual and it was a really upsetting one. I tried to relax and waited for my heartbeat to slow down and all of 3 minutes into that Shane called me from work kinda freaking out cause he almost fell out of a cherry picker and needed to take a break to calm down. In the nightmare I had just woken up from, he had been hanged (hung?).

I worked today and it was wierd because I got absolutly no sleep last night. That's not one of those dramatic exaggerations from having slept only one or two hours. I didn't sleep at all. That doesn't surprise me. The bouts arent unusual. But I guess it didn't mix well with how I've been feeling lately.

Everytime I drink Wood River water, filtered or no, I get a kidney infection. At least I'm guessing that sparks it, seeing as the 3 times I've had said infection here, I got within a day of drinking Wood River water. I did it again the other day thinking maybe it was just a coincedence. Now I'm sure. Because a kidney infection is a vicious thing to pass. It probably doesn't sound like it but it really is. Because sometimes you CANT pass it, or anything through your bladder for that matter, and it festers, and you get sicker, and your kidney fills with puss and blood and you end up in the emergency room, white knuckles gripping the sides of the bed, making the doctor blush with the obscenities flying out of you're mouth when they're trying to MAKE you pass it because the pain makes you want to rip his/her veins out with your teeth and theres nothing else you can do cause you're allergic to quality antibiotics.

Moving right along.

So I've been fiddling with that for about a week. I've been taking every supplement I can get my hands on for kidney/bladder health and immune system crap. It's been working for the most part, in that it is at least keeping it from getting worse. It helps that I try drink about a gallon of water a day (bottled water).

The other night I took a shitload of tylenol pm because it was one of those pains that you cant really inhale fully, and an exhale is really just a strained, tense, groan. Your insides throbbing all the while. The pain went away a little, and you would think that would put one to sleep right? No. Every five minutes or so my body would tense up and shake/shudder uncontrollably for like 2 minutes. Then I'd relax, and do it again. All night. But at least I wasn't hurting.

I was starting to feel a little better the past couple of days, but I think the lack of real sleep set me back because today I couldn't eat anything but my blood sugar was dropping like crazy so I forced myself. I was shaky all day. I work in Collinsville and figure their water is safe so I go through about 3 to 4 liters of it in a workday but there must be something in Collinsville water that makes you piss every 3 minutes. Today when I was trying to fill my water bottles back up my hands were shaking too much to hold them under the faucet right so it took forever. I think when I get paid I'm just going to buy more bottled water because I don't so much enjoy having a bladder the size of a toddler or a 90 year old woman, and today I think the C-ville water made my kidney start hurting again and I was having vicious cramps in my stomach.

I'm sure reading about my piss and my towns dirty water was entertaining.

You put the art in retarted

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 06:31:17 GMT

That's the funniest line I've heard in a good song in awhile but I don't believe that's how you spell retarded.

I miss Merrie and James and Robin and Amy and anybody I forgot to name. I hope it isn't too hot where they're camping like it is here.

I miss Shane. I hope he feels better soon.

I love my new job. It's the easiest 11 dollars an hour ever. I'm the accounts recievable chic in Collinsville for a place that maintains refrigerated semi trucks. So I do the bookkeeping and deposit stuff, and I apply the payments to their respective invoices. Which means I type all the numbers off the deposit slips and checks that I need, and in one simple mouse movement I post it to the right account. Occasionally I'll call or e-mail your typical corporate bastard and shake him down for money. Funny how the tables turn.

Heathens just don't get this lucky.

I say...that what you say..is what I say

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 22:48:45 GMT

Ostensibly, I have a job.

That's right..income. Now I can diverge from spreading everything out over 50 dollars a month.

I was all grumpy and sleepy this morning and the phone woke me up at 9 and I was offered a position I didn't even have to interview for. I mean, I talked to some lady for like 15 minutes and she wasn't even the hiring manager. I didn't even give them a resume' I just filled out their very small very uninformative application.

So they wake me up at 9am to tell me they want me to start Wednesday and will pay me 11 dollars an hour.

It's in the office for some branch of a company that makes engines and power generators and other crap.

It's mindless, undemanding, facile, work too so I don't even have to pretend to care about it.

Let's see, so it's the money I want, and it's not taking anything away from me but time.

Oh and it's in Collinsville which is fairly close to me.

Another day another fuck up

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 08:10:12 GMT

And then theres those times that you feel close enough to somebody to safely tell them everything that you're thinking and feeling. Then you think everything is fine. You start to feel good. You tell them more. Then they turn on you, and totally obliterate all of those things you were afraid to say but said anyway, and push you right back down into your place.

When will you learn to just not say anything at all.

Idiot.

You can dance..you can dance..everybody look at your pants

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 18:22:29 GMT

I'm getting ready to take Scratch to work because his car is defunct. Patricks van is nealy there. And now my car is making a funny noise.

I feel cold and hollow inside. I was hoping it'd be gone by today but it's worse. I get the feeling it's going to be around for awhile. I did what I could.

Shane reminded me that it was fathers day and I curled up in a little ball ready to sob myself back to sleep but nothing came out.

Patrick had to go see someone today that recently expressed some intense angry harmful feelings towards him and I was worried about him. I'm glad nothing bad happened. I was scared.

I gave what I had. Said what I could. It was hard. But I did it. Why do I feel it was all in vain.

I'm not mad anymore, and I shouldn't be asking this today, but I am. I still don't understand. Where were you? When I needed to be protected from all of the bad people in my life. When I was too young to see what was happening. Why weren't you keeping me safe. Maybe if you were, I wouldn't be such a spastic waste.

I'm going back to bed.

Snatch that weave

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 21:11:08 GMT

It ate at me throughout the whole film. Why did Dr. Crane look so familiar?

Then it hit me. He is the frontman of every emo/indie band that annoys the bloody piss out of me.

Not to imply that my piss is bloody.

Things that are supposed to be black are starting to look green.

I bet it'd be really cheap to go to Aruba right now.

You had me at "eating pussy"

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 02:34:22 GMT

*edit* I'm just adding to this entry.

I saw Batman Begins tonite with Patrick and Scratch. It was great. It was dark enough to entertain me and make me forget that I hated every other Batman movie I've seen.

The ride home was incredibly innapropriate and terribly funny. I love my roommates.

As usual it's almost 3 am and I am wide ass awake. 2am is usually the point where I'll try anything but sleep inducing drugs to sleep. This includes reading a boring book or looking at uninteresting websites in an uncomfortable position so I get really tired. I was just doing this, and stumbled across ljdrama.org

yes kids, this is a real forum

yes kids, there really are people posting their own and other peoples LJ drama on one big website for everybody to play on. Yes, people really are arguing and debating over drama that isn't theirs with people they don't even know. No, these people don't realise how stupid they look, telling other people their LJ drama is stupid, but somehow miss the fact that they're contributing to said drama or starting more of their own. Yes this place has quite a few regulars that have that much time on their hands and are that stupid. Yes they're probably able to procreate and some of them are probably doing so as you read this.

My already lacking faith in humanity is decreasing more and more...

Oh well. It's slightly entertaining, and I probably only think it's worth mentioning because I'm at that level of tired where everything is funny.

Meanwhile...

Ask me any 5 questions no matter how random/freaky/personal and I have to answer them honestly...the only catch is you have to repost this for yourself and answer any questions you get asked honestly.

Swallowed whole through eyes and teeth

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 08:32:47 GMT

I've been busy but not really. If that makes sense. My mind is racing constantly. I know this because everytime I touch something it starts acting quirky. I'm still doing the job hunt, and I'm doing well but I have a block. These jobs seem so serious. I'm just worried I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Look at me. I'm giving the relationship talk to a job. Well, I already broke up with God in this journal, I guess I can stick it to a job too.

I can't figure out what's wrong with me and why I'm so unwilling to commit. I always sit on the edge or by the nearest exit "just in case". What the fuck is that all about. I guess I'm just scared. I mean, my after school job to pick up some extra cash turned into four/five miserable controlling years. I can't very well walk into an interview and say "Yea I'm not going to make this my life goal, I just need some good money to tide me over for a bit, I really want to be a poor drunk artist, I need the rent money though, but I don't want to live here forever, I much prefer the seediest of motel rooms in random places, so when can I start?" Somehow I don't think that would win anybody over. I guess I could lie. I hate that though. It makes me feel so disaffected and hollow and I'm afraid one of these times that feeling will never go away. Rarr. These are not the things to be thinking the night before an interview. Necessity is a liar and a harsh drunken mistress with a bad coke habit. I guess theres no such thing as a good coke habit though.

Meanwhile, the goods.

Shane was here for a couple of days and left this morning.

We made a fun trip to Fredericks of Hollywood where he spent way too much money on me. Merrie was with us, and they both picked out a pair of panties for me while I was perusing and he bought them. How hot is that. My best friend and my boyfriend nosing through thongs for me.

His last night here was interesting, due to the fact that rather than spending it in nakedy goodness with him, I was being hunted by a very asinine and ugly police officer. I had fully intended in partaking in this nakedy goodness (which I did, but I also wanted to sleep in said goodness) but Shane needed something from Walgreens and I wanted to go get it. However, there is no Walgreens that's open at 2 in the morning in Wood River. Or Bethalto. Or Edwardsville. I checked Wal Mart and they didn't have what I needed. So while checking for a 24 hour pharmacy in Edwardsville, I was speeding just a litte tiny bit, like not even 5 over the speed limit, and a cop sitting in a parking lot made it obnoxiously obvious that he had noticed it and was going to follow me. Of course I was worried because as I've said before, I can think of at least 5 illegal things I'm doing off the top of my head at any given moment, but then I was like, bring it on fucker, I'll take this thing as far as I have to, you'll be out of your jurisdiction eventually. I ended up doing just that. I ended up in Collinsville, but lo and behold, there was a Walgreens that was open.

Nevermind the fact that Collinsville seriously creeps me out because I almost died there once upon a time.

I got what I needed, and went back home, and smothered my self in warm Shane-like goodness. Unfortunatly he had to leave this morning, and tonite I will likely freeze. Should I fall asleep at all because now I'm wide awake.

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 07:53:03 GMT

*************

Your wise quote is: "Fashion is a
form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to
alter it every six months" by Oscar
Wilde.You are a very sarcastic person with a
sharp tongue. You may not be the one always
talking, but your mind is nevertheless
critizing. You tend to have a cynical view on
life itself and be somewhat withdrawn with who
you really are. Society now is in your eyes
corrupted and you wonder how the world will
survive. And people are in your mind very
ignorant and blind to the reality.

What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
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